I heard an amazing woman named Lucy Rael preach at a ridiculously stretching conference this weekend. I say streching becuase when I witness something that is unexplainable by human standards, my nature tends to be sceptical. I know that there are lots of counterfits in the world and this adds to my innability to accept what I do not understand but God says that His ways are higher than our ways and his thoughts are not our thoughts. If I believe that, then there will be things that happen that I will have the oppotunity for faith to arise. Thank God for that. I can say I have faith till the cows come home but until I put it into practice, it's just a nice idea.
Lucy said something that has stuck with me for the last 72 hours. She said,
"The proof of desire is pursuit."
It's easy to say that I want something. Sometimes having the desire for something seems like enough but unless I am pursuing it, I don't really want it that bad. I know for a fact that when I really, really want it, I'll do what it takes to get it. I won't be limited by a bunch of excuses and I won't stop until I have it. I will risk and focus until I have attained the goal.
In this case, I'm not talking so much about material things, rather relational objectives. When I say that I love someone, what am I willing to do to show them? What am I willing to sacrifice? Love usually starts off full swing, doesn't it? When you realize that you love someone, you think of them all the time, you rearrange your schedule to be with them, you day-dream, think of ways to make them happy, you want to know everything about them. Oh, and there's the talking-all-the-time-to-everyone-you-know about them. Everything seems right in the world.
Recently I have found myself quite restless. It's that constant, underlying feeling that there has to be more to life than this. There has to be more to my life as a Christian than what I am experiencing. I've somehow found myself in a rut with a growing sense of something has to change or else I'm going to have some kind of breakdown. I've been looking at all of the external circumstances in my life trying to figure out what to change.
Like where I live. That's a big one. I'm homesick for California and have been ever since I moved here. It doesn't seem to go away.
My husband, (those of you who are married know how easy it is to project unhappiness on those you love and think that if they would change, you'd feel better. )
My church. We've moved around at least 3 times in the past 2 years looking for the "right" place that has everything we want.
Basically, these are things that I don't really have any control over. And that's really the issue.
CONTROL. Yes, I have an issue with being in control. Of getting what I want.
It's frustrating to not get my way. But I've been reminded this weekend that the one thing I am in control of is how much I pursue God. It's really the only thing that can make a lasting difference regarding who I am. Everything else is temporary. Everything. I wont show up in heaven with the state of California, or my husband, or even a church building. None of that will matter in the least bit. What will matter is the condition of my heart and what I did to pursue a relationship with the one who redeemed my life. The one who paid for my sin and gave his life as a ransom for me. I just need more of Jesus. It's that simple.
The only way I'm going to get more joy, or more love, or more peace or be a better wife, mother, friend or Christian, is to PURSUE the one who offers all the answers. I'm glad to have a hunger for more. I'm glad only because I know that it's available. If I didn't know Jesus, I would be really, really bummed. Where else can you find hope that doesn't dissapoint? Where else can you find unconditional love? Where else can I find something that changes me from a caterpillar to a butterfly? How else can my heart change from being self-centered and controlling to compassionate and full of love?
I want to pursue God in a radical way. Unashamed and sold out. And the really good news is that I know He will give me more than I could ever hope for or ask. It's up to me to to make my actions line up with my words. Talk is cheap and actions really do speak louder than words.